Homesick
by mileouttahell
Summary: [OotP Spoilers] Remus reflects upon the close of OotP.


Done as a request. Man, I haven't done a songfic in a long time. I hope  
  
it's satisfactory. And yes, OotP spoilers are contained. Oh yes, and slash. Definite slash.  
  
I don't own Harry Potter (which belongs to JK Rowling and her scary lawyers) or the song Homesick (which belongs to Soul Asylum.)  
  
O  
  
o  
  
T  
  
P  
  
S  
  
p  
  
o  
  
i  
  
l  
  
e  
  
r  
  
S  
  
p  
  
a  
  
c  
  
e  
  
It's late, and I rub my eyes, exhausted- the last few weeks have taken   
  
their toll on everyone, and left us all feeling numb. But life goes on,  
  
despite Sirius's death. It really doesn't feel like it would- when  
  
someone dies, you feel dead inside as well. There's a black hole where   
  
that person used to be and you don't feel like you can go on. The  
  
black hole sucks up all the feeling, all the light, all the warmth,  
  
all your emotion, and everything that keeps you going.  
  
It can really only be described as a broken heart.  
  
Yet life does go on, and I have to sit guard duty, because Voldemort's   
  
still out there, and members of the Order are still coming in and   
  
out, at all times of the day.  
  
Tonks brought in a radio, which has caused much poking and prodding by Arthur Weasely and some of the others not familiar with Muggle inventions.  
  
As I'm rubbing my eyes and trying not to fall asleep, the first strains of a sweet, sad song begin playing.  
  
//I want to live with you  
  
In the fifth demension  
  
In a dream I've never had  
  
Cause I just can't live like this  
  
In a world like this  
  
I just want a kiss goodbye\\  
  
Oh, Sirius...why did you have to leave me alone? People seem to think there's some kind of glory in being the last one standing, but my heart is breaking without you and the other Marauders.   
  
Even Peter's absense tears at my heart, for though I know he's evil, I've always been too trusting and loving, and I can't stop thinking of him as the Peter I knew in school. I've always believed that you can never truly stop loving someone. That's why you still care about your siblings, no matter how crazy they drive you. You merely stop liking someone, and then you can't reconcile your feelings of dislike with the love you feel for that person.  
  
And James- you could be a jerk sometimes, but you were always kind to me. That's why I could never raise a finger to stop your exploits. Maybe I was scared that he wouldn't like me anymore, but I never could argue with him or you when you got some harebrained idea in your head. Lily, too, became such a fixture in our seventh year and after that at the time I couldn't have imagined life without any of you.  
  
But it was you, Sirius- you I loved best. You were the first person I met on the train, my first friend, and eventually my first lover. Could it ever have been anyone else? Somehow, I don't think so.  
  
//We are not of this world  
  
And there's a place for us  
  
Stuck inside this fleeting moment  
  
Tucked away where no one owns it  
  
Wrapped up in a haste,  
  
And by mistake got thown away  
  
And oh, I am so homesick  
  
But it ain't that bad  
  
Cause I'm homesick for the home I've never had\\  
  
I dreamed you came to me last night to say goodbye, and told me not to cry for you. You should know better, though. This goddamn war has sapped our emotions, and numbed us to pain, until even when we feel that crying would be cathartic, we can't. I want to cry for you, Sirius, but I can't.  
  
You kissed me on the forehead and said that I'd see you again soon. I'm not sure whether I should be worried, but I guess when you have an eternity, one lifetime away qualifies as soon. Or maybe, as some wizards believe, there is such a thing as reincarnation, and you're going to rejoin us on earth, soon. I hope that's true, because I don't think I can wait a lifetime to see you again.  
  
Then you asked me to adopt Harry, and when I protested that the Weaselys would make better parents, you gave me your patented Look (really, Sirius, you would have made a great father) and said that Harry looked up to me, and he really needed a guardian who was great at Defense Against the Dark Arts. Besides, you said, he needs to be adopted by a marauder.  
  
"And remember," you said, as you left me alone with my thoughts again, "I'm always there in the stars."  
  
Ha very ha.  
  
//I know I sometimes get annoyed  
  
I know just where I'm at  
  
This is my song of joy  
  
And now I know there are no secret tricks  
  
No correct politics  
  
Just liars and lunatics\\  
  
The radio is still crying out its melancholy song, and I blink at the clock. Surely more time has passed? Time moves slowly, doesn't it? Poor Harry, forced to endure the death of two parents and the only true parental figure he's ever known. I can imagine him lying in his room, staring at the ceiling, time crawling by even slower for him that it is for me.  
  
Which is harder, losing a lover, or losing a parent? Somehow I think that he must be in much greater pain than me, although we both had happiness given to us and then taken away. Twice he's had to lose those who were his parents. Twice I had to lose Sirius. Just when we both had him again, we lost him. Twice he's had to watch a loved one die.  
  
It's kind of odd- I didn't think he and Cedric were that close, but the boy's death affected him to the very core. Perhaps he cares even more deeply than I do. I can't imagine what he's going through now, with the death of one of the people who meant the most to him. All I can do is thank my lucky stars that Ron and Hermione are both all right. I heard about Harry's "most important thing" at the Triwizard Cup, and how panicked he was that both Ron and Hermione were missing.  
  
Bill is here to relieve me, and I stand up gratefully, stretching and heading for bed. I pass the room where Harry is staying, though, and pause. I slide the door carefully open, to be faced with the sight of Harry sitting up, pointing his wand at me.   
  
I hasten to assure him that it's only me, coming to check on him. Obviously he'd been awake, and my unexpected entrance startled him.  
  
"I just wanted to check on you," I finish explaining, trying not to fidget. This used to be Sirius's room, when we were in school. He moved into his mother's room when she died at the hands of an Auror just after graduation, but I still know this room like the back of my hand, and it will always be his. This place holds so many memories for me.  
  
"I'm fine," Harry said, although the shadows both under and in his eyes tell me something different. I sit down with a sigh, and tell Harry about the dream I had, and how Sirius always wanted us to look for him in the stars.  
  
//And we are not of this world  
  
And there's a place for us  
  
Stuck inside this fleeting moment  
  
Tucked away where no one owns it  
  
Wrapped up in a haste,  
  
And by mistake got thown away  
  
And oh, I am so homesick  
  
But it ain't that bad  
  
Cause I'm homesick for the home I've never had  
  
And though I would not take it personally  
  
It's just the child in me  
  
I never really knew how much I had  
  
And woe is me, I am so homesick  
  
But it ain't that bad  
  
Cause I'm homesick for the home I never had\\  
  
The last thing I remember before I fall asleep was the lonely grave we set out under the birk tree in your yard. Technically we should have buried you next to your mother- it is the family tradition, after all. But you wouldn't have wanted that.  
  
It was Harry who selected the simple engraving for the headstone. He said he felt uncreative using something off of a Muggle's grave, but we all reassured him that not only was it right that he should be the one to choose the final words for Sirius, but the ones he had picked were just the right ones.  
  
Sirius Astrum Black  
  
1962-1995  
  
Free at last  
  
Free at last  
  
Thank God Almighty  
  
I'm free at last 


End file.
